Blowing It

You don’t forget the feeling inside when you’ve just committed the most shameful act of your life. I know my worst moments. Honestly, I considered sharing the storyline of just one of those moments, but the truth is all the acts that I am most ashamed of are like watching a tired re-run of what basically amounts to the same stupid story. So, I’m going to share all of my most shameful acts as if they were one storyline.

All of my worst moments started with urges that crashed into me, injected into my brain like a drug, sending me off into a strange state of insanity where in that moment I believed things I normally do not believe. In that state of “urge-overload” I became convinced that my mood was more important than anything else in the world and that if I fulfilled this one urge I would be more and have more of what I wanted more of. Every time I acted on all my insane desires I would quickly feel sick inside the instant I was done. I can remember the sudden feelings of guilt and shame flooding my head and floating around in my stomach like acid. All the sanity that left me during my shameful activity swiftly came back overwhelming me with thoughts of guilt that screamed, “Andy, what do you think you’re doing? Look what you’ve done this time!,” and “You deserve whatever punishment comes your way for this mistake!” In my worst moments, I can remember drowning in the crushing power of shame that screamed, “If people knew this about me they would be shocked!,” “If this mistake came to light I would lose everything,” and most of all – “I have to find a way to keep this a secret because I have blown it – big time!”

We’ve all had moments where we have screwed up big-time. The big question is – What do we do when we’ve blown it? Do we run as hard and fast as we can from God or run as hard and fast as we can to God? In the next few posts I want to explore Psalm 51 a beautiful example of what we can do when we’ve blown it. Psalm 51 represent King David’s darkest moment, a time according to the intro  “When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.” Stay tuned to see what David teaches us.


About Andy Lewis

Andy is an author, pastor, and musician who lives in Santa Cruz California. Currently he serves as lead pastor at Faith Community Church in Santa Cruz
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